TMI FPO

TMI: Too Much Information
FPO: For Parents Only

This post deals with a bodily function. It isn't overly graphic, but it doesn't shy away from the details. If you are the sort of person who doesn't like that sort of thing, then this is the sort of post you should avoid. Now would be a good time to go read something else. You have been warned!

Zoë is in the process of potty training herself. I say she's training herself, because although we've made going to the potty ("nate" for urinate) an option, we haven't started any sort of structured (Structured? Us! HAH!) routine. Basically, we ask if she wants to 'nate when she gets up in the morning, when we change her diaper, any time that mommy or daddy is heading in to 'nate, or any time she decides to get naked. It works pretty well, and she usually urinates at least once a day in the potty. She seldom ... okay, remember I warned you... she seldom poops in the potty, and in fact she's had a couple of bad experiences when she was a little constipated and actually trying to use the potty. Basically, we don't expect her to poop, and when she does, it usually upsets her.

This morning, I was working on the computer - okay, I was setting up my brand new iPod that my wife gave me for my big 4-0, because she she is awesome and wonderful and i don't deserve her - and Stacey was taking a shower. Zoë was naked, because... well, she's almost two, and that's what you do. Oh, I skipped a bit. Just before Stacey got into the shower, the two of them came running through the office singing "two naked girls - two naked girls" and laughing their naked little heads off. So - Stacey takes a shower, and Zoë hangs out in the bathroom with her. Stacey actually has the stopper in, so that the tub fills up, but she can't coax Zoë in with her. AFTER Stacey gets out of the shower, Zoë comes and tells me that I am to take a bath with her.

Fair enough. Zoë and I started taking baths together in London, when we had the great big clawfoot tub and Zoë wanted to be in it all the time. So, we get in the tub and start splashing around. Stacey comes in and says "does it smell like poop in here?" Yes, as a matter of fact it does, but being a polite husband, I had felt it better not to say anything, since I was the last person to arrive and who knows what had been going on. Was there a leftover messy diaper? No. Did she poop in a corner? Not that we can tell... Maybe it's a random smell from the neighbors. Gross, but possible. Meanwhile, in the tub, Zoë is having a great time and not planning to get out any time soon. Since I've made a pact to go to the gym on a regular basis, I just dunk my head in the tub, getting a major snootful of water. Zoë, meanwhile, still has grits and avocado all over her face, so I ask Stacey to hand me the wash cloth.

"Oh, I think that's dirty."
"No, I just washed it yesterday with the towels."
"No, I think it's dirty."
"No, I used it to wash my face last night. It's fine."
"No. Did you get it from 'here' (indicating the corner of the tub)?"
"Yes. And I hung it up when I was done with it. Can you hand it to me?"
"I used it to wipe up some urine when Zoë peed on the floor, and I put it on the corner of the tub."
"And I washed my face with it."
"I think I must have used it after you."
"Did you hang it up? Because it's hanging where I left it."
"No."
"So... maybe you should put it... somewhere else... to indicate it's not clean?"
"Where? It was wet!"
"Well... anyplace other than the bathtub would probably be good..."

So, I rinsed my face again in the non-uriney tub - considering the astringent properties of toddler urine - and went off to the gym. Everything was fine until late this evening, when I suddenly hear screams of laughter from the bathroom. "Joe, you have to come in here!" Well! I ran! Lord knows what could be happening, right? Apparently Zoë went to 'nate, lifted the lid of her potty, and said "EW! Icky!" and closed it. Inside was... A HUGE POOP. I mean, really, really, big. How big? Stacey says "Do you think someone came in and did it?" I said that people do some odd things, but that I doubted that anyone had broken into our house for the purpose of pooping in my daughter's training potty. And we don't have a dog - toilet trained or otherwise - so we were pretty baffled. Until we remembered the odd smell from the morning. Apparently while Stacey was showering, Zoë took a ... had a massive... well, she pooped impressively. When we got done laughing, we congratulated her, but I don't know that she appreciated it.

Of course, a few minutes later it occurred to Stacey that Zoë hadn't actually wiped after pooping, which means... I was soaking in it. Face, sinus cavities and all. I suggested to Zoë that she might want to throw up in my ear, just to go for the hat trick.

On the one hand, it's actually something of a milestone. Zoë needed to go potty, and did, with no fanfare and no stress. On the other hand, I'm SO VERY GRATEFUL that I didn't have to change that diaper! Woo! Finally, it appears that I'm not the only person in this house who is occasionally full of it. I mean... I am not into poop competitions... but WOW.

• Zoe Alexis
• Zoe's Past
• Zoe's Stuff
• Zoe's Dad
• Zoe's Mom