It’s funny the things you worry about when you have a child. Sure, you worry about money, and sleep, and the wisdom of bringing a child into this crazy world – but there are other things. As readers of this site (both of you) know, I’m a lucky guy. I met the love of my life when I was very young, and in a moment of clarity – I realized it. When we decided to have a baby, I worried that I couldn’t possibly love anyone else as much as I loved her. I mean, if you love your wife more than anything – how is there room for a child? Somebody is going to get shortchanged, right?
When Zoë was born, I had what Nino at Patriside would call Kensho, or “an Awakening”, although at the time I considered it Anagnorisis because I’m a big theatre geek who read too much greek tragedy as a kid. I’ve tried to explain it several times, but I think Nino does a much better job:
Before Marni came along, I wondered how I would be able to share that Love; it really bothered me that I would have to divide my Love because I wanted to give Lilly everything. After Marni came along, I realized that Love was infinite and abundant, I did not have to mete it out because there was more than enough to go around, a well deeper than I could ever dream. With my children, my days are a constant reminder of that fact, each day is a gift of Love. It is nothing I’ve done; it is all due to my children.
I am a lucky guy. I married my soulmate, and I love her more now than I ever have. More than I could possibly love anyone else – and yet we have this amazing child that I love completly and without reservation. Despite what one would “reasonably” assume, it doesn’t take away from the love I have for my wife – it actually amplifies it. THAT was my flash of realization. Of course I still worry, but I don’t worry about not being able to love another child as much as I love my Peanut – instead I worry that I’ll eventually explode in a giant nuclear meltdown of love.
I also worry that the prose police will be here any minute.